"Five days a week my body is a temple; the other two it's an amusement park."

"I love cooking with wine; sometimes I even put it in the food."

"If you think there is good in everybody, then you haven't met everybody."

 "History is the sum total of things that could have been avoided."

 "Giving money and power to politicians is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys."

 "Life is like a shower, one wrong turn and you're in hot water."

"Whatever hits the fan will not be distributed evenly."

 "It may be your sole purpose in life to simply serve as a warning to others."

 "People who say you can't buy happiness just don't know where to shop."

"I live in my own little world.... but it's OK; everybody knows me here."

 "Not tonight honey, the broadband is up."

 "Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition." 

      "We have enough youth; how about a fountain of 'smart'?"

"Truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off"

"Eagles may soar, free and proud, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines."

"Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes.
    That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot."

"It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown... and even fewer still to ignore someone completely."

"Sometimes I think 'The world has gone completely mad!' and then I think 'Aw, who cares?'
    and then I think 'Hey, what's for dinner?'"

"A good one will love you 'till death do us part; a bad one will make sure you go first"

"Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends... tell me where to get more wax!!"

 "It's amazing how much I've learned since I thought I knew it all."

  "Never try to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time and annoys the pig."

 "Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis."

"Love is like a lollipop, but no stick, and gooier.”

 "A person isn't old until regrets take the place of dreams."

 "By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8,
    the other dwarves began to suspect 'Hungry' ..."

 "Dancing: A vertical manifestation of a horizontal desire."

 "When I go, I want to go like my grandfather peacefully sleeping, not screaming like the other three people in the car."

 "A woman like you walks in a place like this and you can almost hear the promises break."

"Don't let my karma run over your dogma."

 "You're the best I never had."

 "You had me from hello."

 "If the phone doesn't ring, you'll know it's me."

 "If I said you had a beautiful body; would you hold it against me?"

 "Do you love as good as you look?"

 "I wonder about those people who say 'Let's put the past behind us', where the Hell else would it be?"

 "I may be a fool; but never yours again."

 "If dancing is done right you need a cigarette afterwards." 
 

 "I waited and waited, and when no message came, I knew it must have been from you."

 "Opportunities always look bigger going than coming."

 "A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."

 "Remember that woodpeckers inside are a larger threat than the storm outside."

 "A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."

 "A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good."

 "Eat well, stay fit, die anyway."

 "Experience is a wonderful thing; it enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again."
 

 "Never make forecasts, especially about the future."

 "There is a very fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line."
 

 "Once you're over the hill... you pick up speed!"

 "It's always darkest before the dawn; so if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it."

 "Love is like a roller coaster: when it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't...
    you can't wait to throw up."

 "If you can remain calm.... you just don't have all the facts."

 "Love is like the measles - all the worse when it comes late in life."

 "It's a question of mind over matter, if you don't mind it don't matter."

 "I hope life isn't just a big joke… because I don't get it!"

 "It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off"

 "Why do they put Braille on drive-up ATM's?"

 "It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it."

 "Some people can tell the time by looking at the sun, but it is hard to make out the numbers."

 "Life is a tragedy for those who feel, and a comedy for those who think,
    and a docudrama with ugly actors for those who film docudramas."

 "I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it"

 "Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do."

 "I put the *fun* into dysfunctional."

 "Politicians and diapers have one thing in common; they should both be changed regularly and for the same reason."

 "I always said I wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."

 "All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed."

 "I may not be perfect but parts of me are excellent."

 "Sometimes the Road Less Travelled is less travelled for a reason."

 "Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together."

 "I hope that after I die, people will say of me; 'That guy sure owed me a lot of money.'"

 "If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what was yesterday?"

 "When everything's coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane."

 "Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film."

 "I am at one with my duality."

 "All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy."

 "Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else."

 "All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door."

 "Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed."

 "He who laughs last, thinks slowest."

 "I don't suffer from insanity... I enjoy every minute of it."

 "Deep down I'm really shallow."

 "It's okay to laugh in the bedroom, but don't point."

 "Unburdened by the rigors of coherent thought."

 "Politics, def: Poli=(many), tics=(blood sucking parasites)."

 "Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?"

 "I don't have an over-active imagination... I have an under-active reality."

 "Puns are bad, but poetry is verse."

 "A fool and his money are some party."

 "Do televangelists do more than lay people?"

 "If a man says something aloud in the forest and there are no women around to hear it, is he still wrong?"

 "Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity."

 "My goal is to please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either."

 "Wine is better: eating cucumbers to forget doesn't work."

 "Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world."

 "Boxing is a lot like dancing, just no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other."

 "Time is just nature's way to keep everything from happening at once."

 "Give me ambiguity, or give me something else."

 "I finally got it together, but now I've forgotten where I put it."

 "There is no human problem which could not be solved if people would simply do as I advise."

 "Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy."

 "They couldn't repair your brakes, so they made your horn louder."

 "I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose."

 "Money can't buy happiness, but it can enable you to be unhappy in comfort."

 "In theory there is no difference between theory and practice, but in practice there is."

 "Keep an open mind... but not so open that your brains fall out."

 "Life is like a B-grade movie. You don't want to leave in the middle of it, but you don't want to ever see it again."

 "My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right"

 "If you don't think women are explosive, drop one."

 "Don't be sexist.  Broads hate that."

 "My girlfriend said I never listen to her, or something like that."

 "Women were meant to be loved, not understood."

 "Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse."

 "Never argue with a woman when she's tired or rested."

 "If the world were a logical place, men would ride side-saddle."

 "If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy folks?"

 "Let him who is stoned cast the first sin."

 "A day without sunshine is like night."

 "For every action there is an equal and opposite government program."

 "Remember - Strip mining prevents forest fires (Bush slogan)!"

 "When wine goes in, secrets come out."

 "Baroque: When you are out of Monet."

 "Bigamist: An Italian fog."

 "(engineer joke) Irony: God gave the tortoise a drag factor of .03"

 "Pat Robertson Virus:  Causes all text to be extremely right-justified."

 "MilliHelen: Amount of beauty required to launch one ship."

 "POETS: Piss On Everything, Tomorrow's Saturday."

 "Don't you just hate it when they verbify nouns?"

 "Punishment should be cruel and unusual.  It works better."

 "Best way to appreciate a job: imagine yourself without it."

 "It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland either."

 "Vegetarians eat vegetables.  Beware of humanitarians!"

 "Too bad that stupidity isn't painful..."

 "A Canadian is an unarmed American with health care."

 "Life is not measured by breaths we take but by moments that take our breath away."

 "A smile happens in a flash, but the memory lasts a lifetime."

 "A bevy of quail, a pride of lions, a flock of geese, a coven of lawyers..."

 "Kinky is using a feather, perverted is using the whole chicken."

 "Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough."

 "How come we have to choose from just 2 persons for president and 50 for Miss America?"

 "Some days it's just not worth gnawing through the straps."

 "Visits always give pleasure: if not on arrival, then on the departure."

 "When you work here, you can name your own salary; I named mine "Fred".

 “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”

 "I got a sweater for Christmas. What I really wanted was a screamer or a moaner."

 "Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?"

       "Love your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up to."

       "There's got to be more to life than just breathing."